I hate subjects.

Ashleigh — Wed, 26 Oct 2011 18:56:05 +0000

I’m not really one for blogging. It’s something I feel like doing every once and a while, but get bored with quickly. I’d like to have the motivation to run a review blog of some kind, but then I think of all the other people doing the exact same thing and get discouraged. There’s nothing really special or exciting about me or my thoughts – I’m very average. I guess the only difference is that I watch a lot more then the average person. I don’t go to school and I work part-time (very part-time, some weeks..) as a cash supervisor in a bookstore. I end up with a lot of free time. The problem is, I go through phases. Sometimes all I want to do is read books, sometimes it’s movies, sometimes it’s games. I have a very hard time trying to balance all the things I like – because I like some aspects of everything, I guess. Nothing really stays constant, except how many horror movies I watch. I’m a pretty boring person. I don’t have many friends, so I don’t often go out – when I do I get really uncomfortable and feel ashamed and bad for the people who are stuck being seen with a dope like me.

Another reason I have not to blog is that I’m fundamentally a pretty private person. To people who know me, it may not seem that way, but I keep a lot of my thoughts, etc to myself because I don’t want to be caught annoying someone else. When I do open up and say something or talk about stuff I might be passionate about, I just end up feeling stupid and anxious, so I try not to do it again. I get close to some people and then have a hard time maintaining the friendship. I am a much better friend with people I only know through the internet. I do talk about the bad in my life a lot, sometimes with the hope that people will hear it and leave me be – or that it may excuse my stupid behaviour. This is not often the case, and is a pretty immature thing to do. I don’t really have much of an excuse.

The only person I’ve maintained a constant relationship with is my husband – someone who I feel is probably the only one willing to put up with my stupidity a lot of the time. He is very patient and unwilling to accept a lot of the bad things I say about myself. Unfortunately, I find myself unable to go places or do things without him a lot of the time, because if something bad happens I freeze and can’t do anything for myself. I often wonder what I’d do if he wasn’t here or got fed up with me.

I’d like to be good at a lot of things. I really would. but I imagine that I’ll spend my life as I am now – moping, watching a lot of movies, reading a lot of books, playing a lot of games (on rotation), and otherwise being a useless twat.

ansible

I hate subjects.